Day 12

Nothing external in my life has changed. However, I’ve had a strange realization that I’ve never had before that I know next to nothing. For the first time in my life, I feel like my opinion doesn’t matter, because I am unaware of the VAST majority of information that’s available.

I’m not sure why, but I realized a couple of days ago that there are an unlimited number of experiences that potentially exist for me, and I’ve only met the tiniest fraction of people who are alive in the world right now. How could I possibly know the answer to anything for sure?

I do know what has worked for me in my life to move upwards and outwards, to expand. That’s what I teach, and I’m okay with knowing only that. I enjoy the mystery.

I feel like a newborn in some ways, like I’m relearning how to live. I spent my entire life striving, struggling, fixing and changing. That’s a lot of ings, and none of them are the ing that I’m interested in now, BEING. How do I live in the present and also set goals and make plans for the future? Is it dishonoring my commitment if I set goals?

I don’t know where this will lead me, but I don’t really care all that much about the conditions of my life. As long as I have a place to be warm and sleep, enough food and water to keep me alive, I’m good. I am dedicated to following the flow of life, and I TRUST that flow, even and maybe even especially when it seems to be leading me somewhere I’d rather not be.

There were a few things that I noticed today. When I get knocked off of my center, I am aware almost immediately and I stop myself. I know now that I will not allow myself to stay in a state that doesn‘t serve life. I also noticed that I feel a stillness in my core that I can breathe into and it feels like silence. I can tap into it with my breath. I have a gut feeling that this will be useful later on. I also noticed that, even though I am so committed to presence, I have moments of total flakiness. I walked out of the gym today with the spray bottle and cloth that everyone who works out there is given when they first walk in the door to spray down the equipment they use. I was supposed to return it, but instead I almost made it to my car with it still in my hand. I returned spray bottle and cloth to the front desk, only to realize halfway home that I had somehow took home one of the gym yoga mats. Total spacey moment.

I did catch myself scrolling social media - and I watched a YouTube video about spiral dynamics today. I’m having a guest on the Patreon spiritual awakening support group, and he wants to talk about spiral dynamics. I thought I should learn a bit about it. There was no reason to scroll Facebook though :(

All of my appointments got a bit messed up somehow. I wasn’t frustrated though, I just went with the flow. It was pretty amazing to even miss ten minutes of yoga and be totally fine with it. I do absolutely feel more peaceful and more able to go with the flow.

I didn’t really feel much resistance today. I didn’t really want to be around people today, and my visit with my parents was actually really nice. I suppose I did move toward what I resist a little bit.

I meditated for about 2.5 hours. They were very deep meditations. I felt vast, and I could feel subtle pulses and waves of energy moving through me. It was beautiful.

I did focus on giving and serving. The man that I spoke with about coming onto the Patreon, I was excited to help him to meet my patrons.

I felt successful today. Although, I do feel like I could be more present. I could do a better job. I WANT to be more present, I want to serve life more, and I really want to live in ananda (unconditional bliss). Hmmm... all this wanting.

The “rules” or guidelines for a year of Ananda (See Ananda definition here)

* I will be as present as possible, grateful and loving what arises. I will focus on serving whatever is in front of me joyfully.

* No social media scrolling! I will only post my content and answer comments and questions that are on my content.

* No intake of external information. No more podcasts, books, audiobooks, YouTube videos or information of any kind. 😳 I will turn inwards for answers, guidance and information.

* I will trust life COMPLETELY. No more struggle, striving, controlling, wanting or trying to make something happen. I will trust and know that whatever is in my life is perfect, and I don’t need to fix or change it.

* I will move toward what I resist, NO personal preferences or agendas. I will say YES to all of life. (Unless I'm in physical danger, of course)

* I will engage in as many spiritual practices as possible every day.

* I will focus on GIVING and SERVING.

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