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Day 15 Commitment to Ananda An Explosion of Nothingness


Today was the first full day of a 3 day hour water fast that I’m doing to deepen my meditations. That combined with extra time in meditation, chanting, returning to heart coherence over and over, and a long session of pranayama, made for one of the most fantastic days I’ve had on my spiritual journey so far.


My meditation was filled with brilliant light, as soon as it began. Within minutes of sitting, I noticed that I could see and hear energy frequencies. I saw what looked like ripples emanating from a glowing outline of a human body that I recognized to be myself, in a lotus position. I felt the ripples, and they felt just like warm, ocean waves. I felt oneness with all things, like as I inhaled the universe inhaled with me and then exhaled with me as well. My energy centers were so open that it felt like nothing but buzzing space where they should be.


I could feel the whole universe within me and all around me, but somehow all happening within me at the same time. I was in awe of the perfection of all of it, how it all moved together. I felt the strongest desire to serve all of it. This desire to serve was coming from a very different place than I’ve been in. I’ve been thinking for weeks that my desire to serve was very earnest and without want. I was wrong. I didn’t realize until my meditation today, that I had a longing for life to unfold in a perfect flow, and THAT is why I wanted to serve. As I was meditating, I experienced true selflessness, a pure desire to serve without any consideration for myself at all. This powerful feeling of complete devotion was coupled by a vision and sensation of bowing to the entire universe with my hands outstretched - offering all that I am to all that is. I have never felt so pure, so full and so empty all at the same time. There was no self at all - no preferences, agendas, desires, attachments. There was only this feeling of bowing to a vast ocean of waves of light, handing everything over.


Light was what I saw, and what I was and also what I was bowing to. I was not a body, but a watcher of this radiant light every where. There was a sense of, “I’ve had it all wrong“ that left me absolutely breathless. I was no one and experiencing nothing and I was also myself watching all of this. The light felt like a solid thing. I saw faces flash in front of me of people from every time and place. They weren’t people I knew (with the exception of Donald Trump... ?) and I was them. I wasn’t even feeling a oneness, I was the people in front of me.


Each energy center lit up and expanded into the blackness around me as I moved up the spine. If you asked me where my physical body was, I couldn’t remember. Was I at home, or at Will’s? I saw snake-like light undulating towards me, again and again. I may have been moving my body, I’m not sure, but it felt as if I was rocking, and the movement was extremely slow and gentle. As I felt this gentle rocking of my body, my heart opened and I sobbed. There was nothing that my heart didn’t include. I felt a warm, unconditional love for all things. For a moment, I knew that I could love someone even if they murdered me. It was a beautiful, warm and completely impersonal love.


I felt tremendous pressure on the top of my head and my entire body crunched into as tight ball as my body could manage. It was uncomfortable, like my head was trying to touch the base of my spine. My breathing slowed involuntarily and would stop for a long time. I didn‘t want the waves of pure light and love to stop, and at the same time I was begging it to stop. It was orgasmic and so intense that it was hard to bear. I felt sharp pains in my perineum. I didn‘t know whether to try and stop or not, because it was painful and so powerfully orgasmic that it was unpleasant. I stayed with it, and eventually I opened my eyes.


Everything in the room was brighter, more vividly colorful and sharper, like my vision had improved during the meditation. I had to acclimate to new world. It felt strange to walk across the room, and it felt even stranger to brush my teeth. The orgasmic pulses of energy still continue, subtly, eight hours later. When I walk I feel as if I’m gliding. I barely feel my body, and yet I feel totally present and connected to the earth.


I feel filled with light, and as dramatic as it may sound, I know that I am forever changed.


Since that two hour meditation I have felt empty and still. I feel electricity running all throughout my body. The electricity isn’t new, actually. I’ve been feeling that for years, but it’s stronger, and it feels more like who I am instead of something that’s moving through me. It almost feels like I am a ghost, and items could pass through me.


I can’t bring myself to feel fear or anxiety AT ALL. I’ve even tested this with the worst possible case scenario thoughts, and no fear or worry or resistance comes up at all. There’s just this sense of “reality is” and “I am”. Along with that, though, there is a feeling of well-being and bliss that comes over me in a wave, over and over, every time I notice that I’m inhaling. There’s a new spaciousness in my heart and a pressure all around my head. It’s lovely and a little sickening at the same time.


It’s so hard to put my experience today into words, the above is the best I can do. I’ve learned something that doesn’t at all feel intellectual. Information feels like it’s changed my DNA.


The “rules” or guidelines for a year of Ananda (See Ananda definition here)

* I will be as present as possible, grateful and loving what arises. I will focus on serving whatever is in front of me joyfully.

* No social media scrolling! I will only post my content and answer comments and questions that are on my content.

* No intake of external information. No more podcasts, books, audiobooks, YouTube videos or information of any kind. 😳 I will turn inwards for answers, guidance and information.

* I will trust life COMPLETELY. No more struggle, striving, controlling, wanting or trying to make something happen. I will trust and know that whatever is in my life is perfect, and I don’t need to fix or change it.

* I will move toward what I resist, NO personal preferences or agendas. I will say YES to all of life. (Unless I'm in physical danger, of course)

* I will engage in as many spiritual practices as possible every day.

* I will focus on GIVING and SERVING.

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