Recently, my fiancé and I called off our four year relationship. It was a difficult decision for both of us, and I felt heart for a time.
I reflected on my relationship with him, and then the few “serious” romantic relationships that I’ve had in my life, and I noticed that in all of these failed, dissatisfactory relationships, there was one constant and persistent, MAJOR factor: me.
Romantic love is wonderful, and challenging for so many people because we bring ourselves to it. We bring our limiting, habitual patterns and our darkness. I don’t think that this is the problem though. We ALL have patterns and shadowy parts.
Looking deeply at past relationships that didn’t work out long term, I think that the problem, EVERY time, was ego. Specifically, the ego’s desire to be right. This, by its very nature, must mean that the other is wrong.
I am not saying that I would want to go back to any of my past romantic relationships and give it another go. These relationships have passed for a reason, and I don’t feel any need to change anything about them. However, the insight that I have been the problem means that I can learn, grow and evolve. This means that it’s possible to have a different outcome, should I ever decide to enter into a romantic relationship again (I truly have very little desire for romance right now)
In all of my romantic relationship, I have been judging, asking the other person to change, refusing to look at myself at times and certainly feeling like I was right. It’s been all about me, and my needs, preferences and beliefs about how things should be. The questions I’m asking myself in this moment is, ‘What if I dropped all of that ego stuff and I simply accepted myself, the relationship and the other person completely? What if I get the ego out of the way? Is true love actually simply acceptance?’
I’m still learning, but when I think of being completely accepted by another person, I feel love and warmth. I can bring this to my relationships and to my life, and I believe that I would then experience true love.