Updated: Mar 10
When I was nine years old, my aunt gave me a book about crystals. I found meditations in that book that were meant to help one to bond with, and understand the energy of the crystals. I loved crystals at the time, so I did the meditations. This was my introduction to a spiritual practice, and I loved it.
When I was 14 years old, I received another book that changed my life called, "The Power Of the Witch," by Laurie Cabot. This book inspired me to meditate everyday. In this same year, a family friend started teaching me and my mother yoga and breath work. I was in love with all of this, meditation, yoga, breath work.
I practiced meditation, yoga and breath work everyday. I read "spiritual" books and met "spiritual" friends and we did "spiritual" things. Even then it was a passion.
In spite of these spiritual practices that I loved so much, in my teens and twenties, I struggled with suicidal depression, and extremely low self worth. I felt a complete lack of purpose and meaning in my life. I was in a very dark place and I had no idea how to change my life.
I searched for a way to improve my life and to feel better, and I discovered some tools that I was able to use to make positive shifts in my own life. However, even though these tools did help me to feel a little happier, I would still revert back to struggling with life and feeling dissatisfied. My default was depression.
In my early thirties I went through huge life changes. I went through a difficult divorce, I lost my home, my job and almost everything I owned. I felt suicidal, and I actually made a plan to end my life.
I felt a longing, almost an instinct, to go into a cave. This feeling of literally wanting to be alone in darkness nagged at me, and I thought it was part of depression. One day, while driving, it became very clear that this instinct wasn't a symptom of depression, it was guidance to go intensely inward.
So, I did. I meditated whenever I could, which ended up being about 8 hours a day.
It turns out that this was exactly what I needed. After three months of this intense work, it felt like I had shed years of depression. I emerged from the "cave" a completely different person, and I have never gone back to those old ways.
What I learned after years of intensely seeking and doing the "work", is that lasting, unconditional happiness comes not from being a better me, but from not being a me at all. When I gave up my stories, my beliefs, my "shoulds" and "should nots" etc. all that was left was peace and bliss.
It took so long to figure this out, and I don't want to see others go through all of the hardships that I went through on this path. I want to help to make this journey towards self-realization smoother and, with some Divine grace, quicker.
The hard work I've done throughout the years has been worth it. My life is now filled with meaning and I am unconditionally in love with who I am and I am unconditionally in love with my life.
I have learned, in my own life and by witnessing the beautiful transformations that occur in the lives of retreat attendees, that intentional evolution of consciousness towards being the true Self, the Divine Self, will organically change everything in one's life for the better.